1
00:00:02,207 --> 00:00:05,005
("RED DWARF" THEME)

2
00:00:45,207 --> 00:00:50,122
Well, that's finished the test.
We just have to wait for the results.

3
00:00:50,287 --> 00:00:54,439
I had to allow
for you cheating at your eye tests.

4
00:00:54,607 --> 00:00:57,167
- What?
- There's no point in lying, sir.

5
00:00:57,327 --> 00:01:02,401
Last night, knowing you had a medical,
you copied the eye charts onto your shoes.

6
00:01:02,607 --> 00:01:07,362
I admit I took a peek,
but I'm a competitive man. Always have been.

7
00:01:07,527 --> 00:01:12,521
- That's what makes me what I am.
- We're all aware of what you are, sir.

8
00:01:12,727 --> 00:01:14,718
Oh, the results.

9
00:01:17,247 --> 00:01:19,397
Everything ticketyboo?

10
00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:22,161
Take a seat for a moment, sir.

11
00:01:22,327 --> 00:01:26,161
- Problem?
- You don't have any next of kin, do you?

12
00:01:26,327 --> 00:01:28,682
No, they all died of heart attacks.

13
00:01:28,847 --> 00:01:32,726
Not just heart attacks -
aneurysms, strokes, you name it.

14
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:38,559
Are you the type that, faced with bad news,
prefers to hear that news unvarnished

15
00:01:38,727 --> 00:01:43,278
or to live in blissful ignorance
of the nightmare you're facing?

16
00:01:44,487 --> 00:01:46,842
Ignorance every time.

17
00:01:47,007 --> 00:01:51,285
Congratulations, sir! You've come storming
through your medical with flying colours.

18
00:01:51,847 --> 00:01:54,520
- See you next time.
- Everything's OK, then?

19
00:01:54,727 --> 00:01:56,877
Absolutely peachy.

20
00:01:57,167 --> 00:02:01,558
- I want to know if something's wrong.
- If there was, I would tell you.

21
00:02:01,727 --> 00:02:05,003
- Even if I'd asked you not to?
- Well, no.

22
00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:08,000
Then I would lie
and say everything was peachy.

23
00:02:08,887 --> 00:02:12,960
Kryten, I want to know. Is there bad news?

24
00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:15,635
Lie mode cancel.
Yes, sir. I'm afraid there is.

25
00:02:15,807 --> 00:02:20,483
I knew it. It's the headaches, isn't it?
And the palpitations, the blackouts,

26
00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:23,605
the chest pains and the voices, isn't it?

27
00:02:23,807 --> 00:02:26,367
Sir, you were recreated as a hologram.

28
00:02:26,527 --> 00:02:31,203
Your exact personality was refined to
an algorithm and duplicated electronically.

29
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:34,677
Any flaw in it would be duplicated also.

30
00:02:34,887 --> 00:02:36,878
- Flaw?
- It's not common,

31
00:02:37,047 --> 00:02:39,322
but it's possible for a hologram to die.

32
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:45,918
Kryten, get to the point before I make
your nose the filling of a buttock sandwich.

33
00:02:46,807 --> 00:02:52,404
As a result of both genetics and environment,
you are prone to stress-related disorders,

34
00:02:52,567 --> 00:02:58,085
and your activities over the past few years
have pushed your brain beyond breaking point.

35
00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:01,045
(WHEEZES AND HYPERVENTILATES)

36
00:03:01,207 --> 00:03:04,404
Your T-count, the hologrammatic
equivalent of blood pressure,

37
00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:08,355
is higher than a hippy at an open-air festival.

38
00:03:09,527 --> 00:03:12,758
If you wish to avoid
a gigantic electronic aneurysm,

39
00:03:12,927 --> 00:03:15,725
you must start on a program of relaxation.

40
00:03:15,927 --> 00:03:22,036
I see. And you thought the best way to start
was to tell me my brain's about to explode.

41
00:03:22,207 --> 00:03:25,324
You've got the bedside manner
of an abattoir gutter.

42
00:03:26,487 --> 00:03:30,162
Here's what I suggest.
Try and avoid all stressful situations.

43
00:03:30,327 --> 00:03:35,447
Spend more time in your hard light form
and exercise. And here...

44
00:03:36,327 --> 00:03:40,115
Use these Chinese worry balls
whenever you feel tense.

45
00:03:42,887 --> 00:03:45,765
Hey, maybe some good news. Check it out.

46
00:03:45,967 --> 00:03:51,519
Kryten, I don't want the others to know
about this. Behave as if everything's normal.

47
00:03:51,687 --> 00:03:53,917
As you wish, sir.

48
00:04:00,087 --> 00:04:03,875
- There she blows.
- Logging onto the ident computer.

49
00:04:04,047 --> 00:04:07,926
- What's this?
- The simulant ship we totalled a while back.

50
00:04:08,087 --> 00:04:10,203
We're gonna board it for supplies.

51
00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:14,963
Is that wise, sir? The scan says
the superstructure could go at any time.

52
00:04:15,127 --> 00:04:18,403
- What if some simulants survived?
- There's an old Cat saying,

53
00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:20,558
"If you eat tuna, expect bones."

54
00:04:20,767 --> 00:04:25,887
There's an old human saying,
"If you talk garbage, expect pain."

55
00:04:26,087 --> 00:04:29,159
- We'll take our chances man, OK?
- No K.

56
00:04:29,327 --> 00:04:32,444
They're cybernetically-deranged
mechanical killing machines.

57
00:04:32,607 --> 00:04:38,159
Not content with destroying their ship,
you now want to steal their belongings?

58
00:04:38,367 --> 00:04:41,837
That's like flopping your wedding tackle
into a lion's mouth

59
00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:45,886
and flicking his love spuds with a wet towel.

60
00:04:46,047 --> 00:04:50,279
- Total insanity.
- Since that refrigeration unit packed in,

61
00:04:50,447 --> 00:04:55,965
we've had to live off a few handfuls of moss
and fungi scraped off passing asteroids.

62
00:04:56,127 --> 00:05:01,360
- I can't stand it any more.
- You'd rather have a psychopathic killer

63
00:05:01,527 --> 00:05:04,564
play your frontal lobes like a xylophone

64
00:05:04,727 --> 00:05:08,322
than have another bowl
of nourishing space nettle soup?

65
00:05:09,087 --> 00:05:13,160
Buddy, I'd hand him the sticks
and hold up the sheet music.

66
00:05:13,327 --> 00:05:17,400
Lister, they are simulants.
Why should they have food supplies?

67
00:05:17,607 --> 00:05:22,283
Because the ident computer
says they do. Look...

68
00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:25,041
- Stocked to the gills.
- It's true, sir.

69
00:05:25,207 --> 00:05:30,486
Simulants carry large stocks of food in order
to prolong the torment of their victims.

70
00:05:30,647 --> 00:05:35,596
They've kept subjects alive
for 40 years in a state of perpetual agony.

71
00:05:35,767 --> 00:05:40,921
If we wanted to live in perpetual agony,
we'd let Lister play his guitar.

72
00:05:41,087 --> 00:05:44,318
- We don't. I say drive on.
- Kryten, what's for dinner?

73
00:05:44,487 --> 00:05:48,241
Tonight, sir, asteroidal lichen stew
followed by dandelion sorbet.

74
00:05:48,407 --> 00:05:50,238
We're going in.

75
00:05:55,607 --> 00:05:59,043
Sir, can't you see
your behaviour is totally irrational?

76
00:05:59,207 --> 00:06:03,485
We can remove him from duty
as per Space Corps Directive 196156.

77
00:06:03,687 --> 00:06:08,636
196156? "Any officer caught sniffing
the saddle of the exercise bicycle

78
00:06:08,807 --> 00:06:12,243
"in the women's gym
will be discharged without trial"?

79
00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:16,923
Hmm. That doesn't quite get
to the nub of the matter for me.

80
00:06:17,087 --> 00:06:22,525
Sir, we have enough weeds and fungus
for you to scrum yourself stupid forever.

81
00:06:22,687 --> 00:06:24,882
This foolhardy trip beggars logic.

82
00:06:25,047 --> 00:06:28,562
Lister, listen to him. When is he ever wrong?

83
00:06:28,727 --> 00:06:33,084
He may have a head shaped
like an inexplicably popular fishing float,

84
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:37,798
but he operates with total logic,
and we'd be fools to ignore him.

85
00:06:38,007 --> 00:06:44,879
At least let me and Mr Rimmer go instead.
We are electronic life-forms and expendable.

86
00:06:45,047 --> 00:06:49,086
What the smeg
would you know, bog-bot from hell?

87
00:06:49,287 --> 00:06:52,802
There's something else.
I didn't want to worry the Cat.

88
00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:59,116
The fuel tank got punctured when we hit
that moon. We're out of power in days.

89
00:06:59,327 --> 00:07:03,081
- What about the readouts?
- I rigged the readouts.

90
00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:05,238
You rigged the readouts?!

91
00:07:05,407 --> 00:07:08,444
(WHEEZES) I can't breathe!
I'm hyperventilating!

92
00:07:08,607 --> 00:07:13,078
- Please, sir, don't panic.
- It's not panic, it's a hysterical fit!

93
00:07:13,287 --> 00:07:16,597
Grind those balls, sir! Grind them!

94
00:07:17,487 --> 00:07:22,481
Let me get this straight. If we board
that ship and get captured, we're finished.

95
00:07:22,647 --> 00:07:27,277
However, if we don't get captured, but the
superstructure disintegrates, we're finished.

96
00:07:27,487 --> 00:07:32,242
On the other hand, if we don't get captured
and the superstructure doesn't disintegrate

97
00:07:32,407 --> 00:07:35,046
but we can't find any fuel, we're finished.

98
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:38,683
- That's about it.
- After you with the balls, sir.

99
00:07:39,327 --> 00:07:44,685
We're out of options. We've got less choice
than a Welsh fish and chip shop.

100
00:07:44,887 --> 00:07:47,560
We've got to board that ship.

101
00:07:47,727 --> 00:07:50,958
Just pray the crew are rotting in Silicon Hell.

102
00:07:51,167 --> 00:07:54,603
- You three go. I'm not leaving Starbug.
- Fine.

103
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:58,004
Unless of course something weird
and hideously ironic happens,

104
00:07:58,167 --> 00:08:04,686
like you get boarded by a rampaging party
of crazed simulants gripped by bloodlust.

105
00:08:05,847 --> 00:08:07,838
I'll go and pack.

106
00:08:08,007 --> 00:08:10,475
Bring your brown rubber safety pants.

107
00:08:10,647 --> 00:08:16,563
And your hard light remote belt.
We need all the hands we can muster.

108
00:08:20,287 --> 00:08:22,278
(RAPID BEEPING)

109
00:08:22,447 --> 00:08:26,725
- Life signs.
- Those suckers'll be lunching on laser.

110
00:08:26,887 --> 00:08:32,359
Last time we met I was wearing
the same outfit. No one's telling that story.

111
00:08:32,527 --> 00:08:36,156
I suppose now's as good a time as any
to tell you.

112
00:08:36,327 --> 00:08:39,683
- Tell us what?
- We can't actually use the bazookoids.

113
00:08:39,847 --> 00:08:42,407
They're for psychological reasons only.

114
00:08:42,567 --> 00:08:47,516
The superstructure is so unstable that
even a loud noise could start a shipquake.

115
00:08:47,687 --> 00:08:50,042
That's why I skipped chillies for breakfast.

116
00:08:51,767 --> 00:08:54,406
- Don't look at me like that?
- Like what?

117
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:59,243
- Like a nostril hair in a Spanish omelette.
- Why didn't you tell us?

118
00:08:59,407 --> 00:09:02,604
- Didn't want you to panic.
- Didn't want us to p...?!

119
00:09:02,767 --> 00:09:05,486
(WHEEZES)

120
00:09:05,647 --> 00:09:09,686
Let me get this clear.
If we meet any deranged killing machines,

121
00:09:09,847 --> 00:09:11,838
we have to combat them silently?

122
00:09:12,007 --> 00:09:17,161
How? Whisper "Charge", tippytoe up to them
and chloroform them with Lister's armpits?

123
00:09:18,287 --> 00:09:20,164
Priceless.

124
00:09:31,847 --> 00:09:34,839
- A teleporter.
- Hmm. Fully functional.

125
00:09:35,047 --> 00:09:38,835
- Let's grab what we gotta and load up.
- Quietly.

126
00:09:53,567 --> 00:09:55,080
(RUMBLING)

127
00:09:55,247 --> 00:09:57,966
It's not gonna hold much longer.

128
00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:02,240
One more trip, Kryten. One more crate
of red-hot West Indian pepper sauce.

129
00:10:03,247 --> 00:10:04,919
Shh!

130
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:11,678
Well, if it isn't my old friends,
the human vermin,

131
00:10:12,647 --> 00:10:18,995
the scabrous slime, the pus-sucking,
puke-laden cesspits of unspeakableness.

132
00:10:19,807 --> 00:10:21,604
She remembers us.

133
00:10:22,487 --> 00:10:29,996
Annihilated my ship, slaughtered my fellow
simulants and you practically destroyed me.

134
00:10:30,167 --> 00:10:32,681
Yes, I remember you.

135
00:10:32,887 --> 00:10:38,837
One thing - last time we met, I wore a black
number with peach trim and gold spangles.

136
00:10:39,007 --> 00:10:44,843
And although this looks like the same outfit,
it's an entirely different black number

137
00:10:45,007 --> 00:10:48,682
with completely different gold spangles.

138
00:10:48,887 --> 00:10:52,960
That was an important speech, sir,
but I suggest that from now on,

139
00:10:53,127 --> 00:10:57,837
this discourse is conducted
by those with brains larger than a grape.

140
00:10:58,007 --> 00:10:59,998
Take it away, bud.

141
00:11:00,167 --> 00:11:04,319
OK, let's visit Ronnie Real.
This is a classic stalemate situation.

142
00:11:04,527 --> 00:11:07,166
You can't use weapons. Neither can we.

143
00:11:07,327 --> 00:11:11,605
Let's chalk this down to experience,
and we'll be on our way.

144
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:16,557
Actually, as far as psychotic killer
simulants go, you're a bit of a babe.

145
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:19,998
- What are you doing tonight?
- Dying.

146
00:11:24,127 --> 00:11:28,996
- Care to join me?
- Hey, come on. Let's just talk, OK?

147
00:11:29,207 --> 00:11:33,564
We didn't start any of this,
and I think that maybe NOW...

148
00:11:33,767 --> 00:11:36,156
is a good time to parley.

149
00:11:36,327 --> 00:11:39,205
Let's not hang around. Get on with it.

150
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:43,958
There is nothing to discuss.
In 60 seconds, you'll be dead.

151
00:11:44,167 --> 00:11:47,045
- You can't be serious.
- I'm totally serious.

152
00:11:47,247 --> 00:11:49,602
I don't believe you're being serious.

153
00:11:49,807 --> 00:11:54,517
I do not understand why you're having
such problems grasping this concept.

154
00:11:54,687 --> 00:11:58,282
I'm a totally ruthless, amoral killing machine,

155
00:11:58,487 --> 00:12:03,686
so why, in the name of all that's putrid,
don't you believe I'm serious?

156
00:12:03,887 --> 00:12:07,880
I'll say this once more.
You can still change your mind.

157
00:12:08,047 --> 00:12:12,279
Think about all we've been through.
Doesn't that mean anything to you?

158
00:12:13,287 --> 00:12:15,721
(CRASHING)

159
00:12:15,927 --> 00:12:17,997
Cheers, Rimmer! He's started a shipquake!

160
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,886
- The superstructure's disintegrating!
- The teleporter!

161
00:12:22,807 --> 00:12:26,641
I must warn you, the teleporter's
not calibrated for human tissue.

162
00:12:26,807 --> 00:12:30,197
There's a 20% chance
you'll be turned inside out.

163
00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:35,805
Let me check my lining.
Innards and lavender, I can carry that off.

164
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,243
- (CAT) What's this?
- This is a week last Thursday.

165
00:12:42,407 --> 00:12:44,762
I must have made a programming error.

166
00:12:44,967 --> 00:12:49,677
Kryten! You can't burst in on an earlier
version of yourself without warning!

167
00:12:49,887 --> 00:12:53,038
You've made everything
totally surreal now. I'm very cross!

168
00:12:53,247 --> 00:12:56,444
Pardon my paradox,
but the simulant ship you encounter...

169
00:12:56,607 --> 00:12:58,882
We don't want to know!

170
00:12:59,047 --> 00:13:02,483
Don't compound your temporal faux pas
by disclosing our future.

171
00:13:02,687 --> 00:13:05,042
Where's the rangy, handsome one?

172
00:13:05,247 --> 00:13:10,799
You? You scarpered in that escape pod,
you slimy, triple-faced, back-stabbing Judas.

173
00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:14,124
Ah! I'm safe, then? Thank God for that.

174
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:18,684
Don't talk to them!
Get back to your own damn time line!

175
00:13:18,887 --> 00:13:21,242
- Here we go.
- Be you later.

176
00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:26,046
Let's get out! It's gonna blow!

177
00:13:41,927 --> 00:13:44,805
All in all, 100% successful trip.

178
00:13:44,967 --> 00:13:46,958
But, sir, we lost Mr Rimmer.

179
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:50,437
All in all, 100% successful trip.

180
00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:54,998
- I can't believe he did that.
- Sir, I didn't tell you before,

181
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:59,763
but I discovered that Mr Rimmer is suffering
from a stress-related nervous disorder.

182
00:13:59,927 --> 00:14:04,079
When I see him he'll be suffering
from a fist-related teeth disorder.

183
00:14:07,967 --> 00:14:11,403
- Incoming message.
- My escape plan worked, then?

184
00:14:11,607 --> 00:14:16,476
- What escape plan?
- Setting off the disintegration of the ship

185
00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:21,846
by bravely leaping into the escape pod,
creating a diversion, so you could...

186
00:14:22,007 --> 00:14:24,885
- Actually, how did you escape?
- The teleporter.

187
00:14:25,087 --> 00:14:27,203
That wasn't the only way.

188
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:32,919
I'm sure no one's forgetting the manliness
of the diversionary part of the plan,

189
00:14:33,087 --> 00:14:36,363
and to hasten the recovery
of the modest hero.

190
00:14:36,567 --> 00:14:39,604
- Actually, Flash, that might be a problem.
- What?

191
00:14:39,807 --> 00:14:42,401
You're accelerating way above our top speed.

192
00:14:42,607 --> 00:14:49,240
I've logged into your ident computer.
Simulants looted the pod from a seeding ship.

193
00:14:49,407 --> 00:14:54,765
There are no controls. It is programmed to
find the nearest planet with an atmosphere.

194
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,839
- How long to get me back?
- Well, let's see.

195
00:14:58,007 --> 00:15:02,000
Checking the local area. No, nothing there.

196
00:15:02,167 --> 00:15:06,240
Going to mid-range... Er, still nothing.

197
00:15:06,407 --> 00:15:08,523
Going to long-range...

198
00:15:08,687 --> 00:15:10,484
Long-long-range...

199
00:15:10,647 --> 00:15:15,516
Long-long-long-range.
Ah, here we have it, just computing.

200
00:15:15,967 --> 00:15:20,563
- Well? How long?
- Have you still got those worry balls, sir?

201
00:15:20,727 --> 00:15:24,276
- Yes.
- Well, start grinding like never before.

202
00:15:24,487 --> 00:15:26,955
- How long?
- Let me tell him, Kryten.

203
00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:30,603
- How long?
- A year and a half.

204
00:15:30,807 --> 00:15:33,196
That's ridiculous! Get me back.

205
00:15:33,407 --> 00:15:36,638
We could bring you down
with a laser cannon, sir.

206
00:15:36,847 --> 00:15:39,759
Form an orderly queue behind the gun sight.

207
00:15:39,967 --> 00:15:43,118
- Another way!
- Sir, there are no other options.

208
00:15:43,287 --> 00:15:46,438
Wait. Something's happening. Course change.

209
00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:50,196
Check. Your guidance system's
found a nearer S3 planet.

210
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:53,757
It's taking you through
that wormhole at 495372.

211
00:15:53,967 --> 00:15:56,276
You should make planetfall in four days.

212
00:15:56,487 --> 00:15:59,285
Isn't there a time-dilation problem
with wormholes?

213
00:15:59,487 --> 00:16:02,559
Well, yes. Since you're travelling
through a compressed space,

214
00:16:02,727 --> 00:16:05,844
time moves more swiftly
passing though the wormhole.

215
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:09,124
One minute this side
represents years on the other.

216
00:16:09,327 --> 00:16:11,318
So, is that good?

217
00:16:11,487 --> 00:16:13,478
Balls on standby, sir.

218
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:17,681
- More than a year and a half?
- Yes.

219
00:16:17,887 --> 00:16:21,766
- How much more?
- Let's not beat around a bush - a lot.

220
00:16:21,927 --> 00:16:27,285
- That's still beating about the bush.
- Remember that medieval war, sir?

221
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:31,398
- The Thirty Years' War?
- No, the other one.

222
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:35,560
- The Hundred Years' War?!
- Take that figure, multiply it by six,

223
00:16:35,727 --> 00:16:38,195
then you get your golden number, sir.

224
00:16:38,407 --> 00:16:41,558
- Six hundredyears?!
- Pinch me!

225
00:16:43,407 --> 00:16:45,398
We're losing contact, any minute.

226
00:16:45,607 --> 00:16:48,917
Six hundred years with myself
as company? I'll go mad!

227
00:16:49,127 --> 00:16:52,756
There's an old Cat saying...
but you don't want to hear it.

228
00:16:53,567 --> 00:16:58,595
On the upside,
the pod's stocked with solar accelerators.

229
00:16:58,807 --> 00:17:01,799
That'll keep your hard light drive going.

230
00:17:02,047 --> 00:17:06,518
As the pod came from a seeding ship,
it may have terraforming equipment,

231
00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:08,757
possibly with a genetic capability.

232
00:17:08,967 --> 00:17:12,323
I'll never survive.
I'm not the Robinson Crusoe type.

233
00:17:12,487 --> 00:17:15,718
I'm lousy at woodwork,
no good in the wild.

234
00:17:15,887 --> 00:17:19,721
At school, it took me five terms
to make a tentpeg.

235
00:17:19,887 --> 00:17:25,519
How long will it take to build a two-storey
home with running water and a patio?

236
00:17:25,687 --> 00:17:28,485
Six hundred years? I'll still be planing!

237
00:17:28,687 --> 00:17:31,838
Losing contact any second.
See you in eight lifetimes.

238
00:17:32,047 --> 00:17:36,916
One last word, sir - remember your condition.
Try and avoid stressful situations.

239
00:17:37,087 --> 00:17:41,285
Whatever befalls you,
greet it with a smile and a song.

240
00:17:41,847 --> 00:17:45,237
You are a total, total,
complete, utter, total...

241
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:53,796
- He's gone.
- What do we do now?

242
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:58,239
Nothing we can do,
I know for a fact there's no champagne.

243
00:17:58,847 --> 00:18:03,318
To us, Mr Rimmer will be gone
for just a few hours,

244
00:18:03,527 --> 00:18:08,043
but Mr Rimmer will have to wait
six centuries for us.

245
00:18:08,207 --> 00:18:12,086
To hell with the champagne,
we can celebrate with urine resyc.

246
00:18:16,607 --> 00:18:20,839
This is the personal log
of Space Corps hologram Arnold J Rimmer.

247
00:18:21,647 --> 00:18:27,324
Day 1. After landing, I ventured forth to
explore the place I would be calling home

248
00:18:27,487 --> 00:18:30,365
for the next two thirds of a millennium.

249
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:36,443
A desert planet, the only life-forms the most
basic single-celled protozoa and me.

250
00:18:36,607 --> 00:18:40,043
Relationships would be difficult,
but not impossible.

251
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:44,482
I repaired to the pod
to appraise the supply situation.

252
00:18:44,647 --> 00:18:48,242
The pod had indeed been looted
from a seeding ship.

253
00:18:48,407 --> 00:18:54,277
Among the supplies, I found two strange
devices labelled "eco-accelerator rockets".

254
00:18:54,887 --> 00:19:00,200
I held out little hope that they might
improve my lot, but launched them anyway.

255
00:19:01,047 --> 00:19:04,164
For six days,
the planet was wracked with storms,

256
00:19:04,327 --> 00:19:07,683
the like of which
I had never witnessed before.

257
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:10,520
Then, just as suddenly, they stopped.

258
00:19:10,687 --> 00:19:15,203
In just six days, I had created
my own world, lush and verdant.

259
00:19:15,407 --> 00:19:17,682
I had created Rimmerworld.

260
00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:23,803
I was Adam in my own Eden,
and only one thing was missing - my own Jane.

261
00:19:24,007 --> 00:19:28,080
As I studied the pod's textbooks,
my excitement grew.

262
00:19:28,247 --> 00:19:32,035
It seemed entirely possible
to create a fully grown female clone

263
00:19:32,207 --> 00:19:34,846
using my own DNA as a template.

264
00:19:35,047 --> 00:19:38,278
This, of course,
created the most enormous moral dilemma.

265
00:19:38,447 --> 00:19:42,440
Technically, she would be my sister,
unable to be a lover.

266
00:19:43,207 --> 00:19:46,756
After much soul searching,
I reluctantly decided.

267
00:19:46,927 --> 00:19:49,999
What the hell? I just wouldn't tell her.

268
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:55,525
After months of careful nurture,
the cocoon cracked.

269
00:19:58,167 --> 00:20:00,283
Something had gone hideously wrong.

270
00:20:01,647 --> 00:20:07,882
The clone was just an identical copy of me.
I went back to the manuals and tried again.

271
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:16,356
There she blows, an S3 planet.

272
00:20:16,527 --> 00:20:20,076
Navicomp locked. Entering atmosphere.

273
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:26,558
Got something.
Try quadrant four-niner-seven-two.

274
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:30,515
- Scan says there's life signs.
- Confirmed. Thousands of them.

275
00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:36,319
Either Mr Rimmer had the incredible good
fortune to land on a populated planet, or...

276
00:20:36,487 --> 00:20:39,445
- Or what?
- It's too hideous to contemplate.

277
00:20:40,007 --> 00:20:41,998
Preparing to land.

278
00:20:43,207 --> 00:20:45,516
- Wait. Nasal alert!
- You're getting something?

279
00:20:45,687 --> 00:20:51,637
I sure am. My nasal hairs are quivering like
an opera singer's bosom on the high notes.

280
00:20:51,847 --> 00:20:53,565
- Halt, abomination!
- Rimmer?

281
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:55,758
- Silence, travesty.
- Rimmer?

282
00:20:56,607 --> 00:21:01,078
Never have I seen such a hideously formed
or unnaturally freakish deviant.

283
00:21:01,287 --> 00:21:03,243
Rimmer?!

284
00:21:04,967 --> 00:21:10,246
Silence, mutant! How dare you stand there
and address a norm using that face!

285
00:21:10,407 --> 00:21:12,637
It's a revolting insult against nature.

286
00:21:12,807 --> 00:21:18,245
This might sound a bit corny, but...
I can't bring myself to say it.

287
00:21:18,887 --> 00:21:20,206
Say what?

288
00:21:21,527 --> 00:21:25,315
- Take us to your leader.
- Sir, how could you?

289
00:21:25,527 --> 00:21:27,802
Let the Great One judge them.

290
00:21:37,487 --> 00:21:39,955
Who disturbs our royal snooze?

291
00:21:40,167 --> 00:21:45,446
- Rimmer? It's us.
- Dear lord, what created such foulness?

292
00:21:45,607 --> 00:21:49,725
Is this the product
of a marriage 'twixt woman and gerbil?

293
00:21:50,007 --> 00:21:54,398
600 years ago? We were shipmates.
We've come to save you.

294
00:21:54,567 --> 00:21:58,879
We found them in the woods,
Your Flared-Nostrilness

295
00:21:59,047 --> 00:22:01,800
and brought them
to be tried as travesties.

296
00:22:01,967 --> 00:22:04,640
That ain't goalpost-head.
He doesn't smell right.

297
00:22:04,807 --> 00:22:07,446
Agreed, he scans as organic, not hologram.

298
00:22:07,607 --> 00:22:11,725
The "H" is an affectation,
possibly a symbol of power.

299
00:22:11,927 --> 00:22:15,363
These deformed monsters
are no sight for my concubines.

300
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:18,400
My treasures of pulchritude, run along.

301
00:22:21,167 --> 00:22:23,920
Avert your eyes from her great beauty.

302
00:22:34,247 --> 00:22:39,275
(GRUNTS) Let the trial begin
before my jacuzzi water grows tepid.

303
00:22:41,487 --> 00:22:45,196
These abominations stand charged
on eight counts of gross deviancy.

304
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,763
Not content with looking abnormal,
they flaunt freakish behaviour

305
00:22:48,927 --> 00:22:52,476
such as charm, bravery,
compassion and...honour.

306
00:22:52,687 --> 00:22:55,281
Are there no signs of normalcy?

307
00:22:55,447 --> 00:22:59,520
No cowardice or pomposity?
No snideyness or smarm?

308
00:22:59,687 --> 00:23:04,556
Not even basic honest-to-goodness
double-dealing two-facedness?

309
00:23:04,767 --> 00:23:08,316
They didn't even attempt
to sell each other out for freedom.

310
00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:11,445
They lack even the most basic natural drives.

311
00:23:11,647 --> 00:23:17,597
- How do you plead?
- We wish to speak to the hologram Rimmer.

312
00:23:17,767 --> 00:23:20,281
I am he!

313
00:23:20,487 --> 00:23:24,844
Not so. We seek your creator,
the father of your people,

314
00:23:25,047 --> 00:23:28,198
the first true Rimmer,
the template for your species.

315
00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:33,527
Enough of this heresy. At the stroke of dawn,
take them out and kill them.

316
00:23:33,687 --> 00:23:40,035
And when you've killed them, burn the bodies,
then bring me the cold ashes on a plate...

317
00:23:40,207 --> 00:23:43,119
with a glass of chilled Sancerre.

318
00:23:43,327 --> 00:23:47,639
This guy's an animal. Doesn't he know
it's red wine with cold ashes?

319
00:24:05,367 --> 00:24:07,835
- Rimmer?
- Smell checks out.

320
00:24:08,007 --> 00:24:10,396
That truly is toilet-brush hair himself.

321
00:24:11,047 --> 00:24:13,197
Of course! I remember.

322
00:24:13,367 --> 00:24:16,120
Custer! Derek Custer!

323
00:24:16,287 --> 00:24:18,357
Kit!

324
00:24:18,567 --> 00:24:20,478
Titan!

325
00:24:20,687 --> 00:24:26,239
- What's happened?
- How long have you been in this pit?

326
00:24:27,647 --> 00:24:29,638
Speed count mode...

327
00:24:29,807 --> 00:24:31,718
557 years?!

328
00:24:31,927 --> 00:24:35,806
- You've been stuck here all this time?
- What happened?

329
00:24:36,007 --> 00:24:39,204
Can you imagine a society
composed entirely of me?

330
00:24:40,287 --> 00:24:45,281
I'm trying not to. Last time I did that,
it took me a week to dry the mattress.

331
00:24:46,727 --> 00:24:52,643
Thousands upon thousands of back-stabbing,
treacherous, hypocritical, cowardly Judases.

332
00:24:52,807 --> 00:24:57,676
They overthrew me. When they found out
they couldn't damage my hard light drive,

333
00:24:57,847 --> 00:25:01,396
they locked me away
to protect their insane lust for power.

334
00:25:01,607 --> 00:25:07,045
Look, I can understand that, but what
have they got against me, Derek and Titan?

335
00:25:08,127 --> 00:25:13,838
Anyone who deviates from the template
is reviled. They're banished from society.

336
00:25:14,007 --> 00:25:19,479
Anyone who displays behaviour deemed
un-Rimmerlike is punished by death.

337
00:25:19,687 --> 00:25:22,997
Is that why no one is brave,
sexy, noble or charming?

338
00:25:23,927 --> 00:25:29,047
- All crimes here.
- I must be public enemy number 1, 2 and 3.

339
00:25:29,247 --> 00:25:34,879
Don't they realise societies can only evolve
through mutations in the gene pool.

340
00:25:35,047 --> 00:25:40,041
Without richness or variety, congenital
disorders and lunacy are commonplace.

341
00:25:40,207 --> 00:25:44,883
Who can forget the insane European monarchies
of the 19th and 20th centuries?

342
00:25:45,087 --> 00:25:49,558
- Oh, what have I created?
- Your very own personal hell.

343
00:25:49,767 --> 00:25:53,726
Fun though it's been hearing
about your 500 years of misery,

344
00:25:53,887 --> 00:25:55,878
shouldn't we make skedaddle plans?

345
00:25:56,047 --> 00:26:01,519
I can't bear the prospect of being burned alive.
Flames and peach? I'd rather die!

346
00:26:03,407 --> 00:26:08,765
- Have you tried escaping, Rimmer?
- It's a planet of back-stabbing slimeballs.

347
00:26:08,927 --> 00:26:11,885
I'd be sold back immediately.

348
00:26:12,047 --> 00:26:18,486
There's got to be a way out. There's not
a prison built that can hold Derek Custer.

349
00:26:18,647 --> 00:26:22,686
Why don't we scrape away this mortar,
slide a brick out,

350
00:26:22,887 --> 00:26:27,802
then using rope weaved from strands
of hessian, rig up a pulley system,

351
00:26:27,967 --> 00:26:33,644
the guard hits a trip wire, gets laid out,
we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform,

352
00:26:33,807 --> 00:26:37,083
we steal some swords, and fight our way out?

353
00:26:37,287 --> 00:26:39,960
Or we could use the teleporter.

354
00:26:43,487 --> 00:26:47,196
Or, at a pinch, we could use the teleporter.

355
00:26:51,127 --> 00:26:54,358
I've done it again! Two anomalies in one day.

356
00:26:54,527 --> 00:26:57,041
I must have accessed
the previous calibration.

357
00:26:57,247 --> 00:27:03,004
- Sorry, we're escaping from Rimmerworld...
- Don't tell them the future.

358
00:27:03,207 --> 00:27:08,725
Rimmer doesn't want to know he gets
persecuted for six centuries by his clones.

359
00:27:08,927 --> 00:27:15,639
Careful, bud. You almost let slip that
he spends the next 557 years in a dungeon.

360
00:27:15,847 --> 00:27:18,156
- Rimmerworld?
- I'm saying nothing, man.

361
00:27:18,327 --> 00:27:21,717
- Can't spoil the surprise.
- Rimmerworld was weeks ago.

362
00:27:21,887 --> 00:27:26,005
We're more concerned about the hideous thing
that's happened to Lister.

363
00:27:26,647 --> 00:27:29,798
- Yeah, where are you?
- Yeah, where am l? I wanna know!

364
00:27:33,847 --> 00:27:37,237

there's no kind of atmosphere

365
00:27:37,407 --> 00:27:40,683


366
00:27:40,847 --> 00:27:43,998


367
00:27:44,167 --> 00:27:46,806


368
00:27:46,967 --> 00:27:50,642


369
00:27:50,807 --> 00:27:54,117


370
00:27:54,287 --> 00:27:57,359


371
00:27:57,527 --> 00:28:00,758


372
00:28:00,927 --> 00:28:03,680


373
00:28:03,847 --> 00:28:07,396


374
00:28:07,567 --> 00:28:10,206


375
00:28:10,367 --> 00:28:14,326